I have made mistakes, all of which seemed monstrous at the time, yet prove to be trivial now. The only thing that kept me sane in those moments was knowing that in the end, it would all be diluted and feel not so disgustingly horrible in the end. Though most of my lessons were taught in the form of feeling, fearing, hoping, losing and loving, I really think that love is the most important emotion to understand and embrace fully, even though it is often the hardest to admit.
I have finally begun to understand me, even though its hard to believe. We are all made of layers and it is just a matter of time before more and more layers reveal themselves. Sometimes this happens quicker for some, slower for others. The latter are the people who have shallow, trivial relationships and work solely for the purpose of money alone, never really seeing the big picture. Sometimes you can't even look in the mirror some days because of what you have done or may do. This is all a part of life, it just happens to sting more than usual.
I began 2009 in a dingy, small apartment, surrounded by people I hardly knew, and people I would give the world for. I kissed a boy in my peach colored dress and felt wonderful and happy. We later hit a pole because the roads were so icy.
Standing under my balcony, I truly felt ashamed for the first time in my life. Real love does mean things sometimes.
In my bed, on the over pass, at a party, I realized that misguided love is strong and also forgiving. It is also, regrettably, flawed and headed towards a spiral of nonsense.
In my room, alone for hours, I learned that no matter how mad you are, you know its for only one reason, and one reason only. This is just as infuriating as being left alone for better things.
In the middle of August, I learned that I am the worst vegetarian. I also learned that monogamy isn't always real and that the boy you love probably likes someone else anyhow.
Sitting on the other end of the phone, I learned that no matter how hard you try, you cannot make anyone love you. No matter what you are willing to do.
In the first signs of fall, I learned that love slips away slowly in some cases, before you even notice it.
I also learned that some actions are simply unforgivable and truly scar you. These are the type of things that make you fear love for years to come.
During a few grey weeks, I learned that pulling both ends is extremely exhausting and makes you physically ill. I was sick for 2 full weeks.
In November, I learned that not all blame can be passed on to another, but also that its not worth working for if you're the only one who wants to carry on through.
On January 1st, 2010, a new light shone on me and I felt truly alone, yet alive. During this time I am thankful to the few people who felt like I needed their help, even when I felt like I didn't.
When the warmth of spring finally started to surface, I spotted a missing link, after several months of blurred vision and sleeplessness. It reminded me of so much undeserved love, the sourness of its departure, the pain of its emptiness. I learned that starting over is a slow process, sometimes painful, but admittedly wonderful. I learned that I have a lot of love to give.
I learned that the things you are most patient in waiting for are really the only things worth waiting for.
This year I have love, ohh man, I have loved, and I do not regret.
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