we cannot win.

That girl you love, the one you'd walk across the city for? Yeah her. Shes not all the glory and fantasy that you want her to be. No. Her glossy eyes are in fact from lack of sleep and too much binge drinking on weekends. Her peaches and cream complexion, is pale, for lack of a better term, due to no sunlight in her 4x5 cubicle on the 16th floor of the financial building on West and Seventh. Her petite frame is sculpted by many a mid day vom sessions after a hearty lunch of 6 grapes and strawberry banana crystal light. Delightful. Her rosy lips, the ones you could kiss for days? They are raw and plagued by cheilitis, where the top layer of skin on the lips dries out to the point of not even existing, exposing the tender under layer, all due to a nervous habit of chewing her lips. Think about that next time you want to make out. Its a bleak reminder that you love merely a sack of bones and muscle and tissue thats slowly rotting away and decomposing everyday.

renewed.

I hope
That each day
We discover new things
About ourselves &
Our new world.

outside, on your doorstep.

It's wonderful & alarming
Waking up everyday
In a world that
Is saturated in
Your essence.

Happy becomes habit.

I go to the barn because I like the.

Well I'd like to think I'm the mess you'd wear with pride.
Like some empty dress on the bed you've layed out for tonight.
Maybe I'll tell you sometime.
Time.
Sometime.
And you were right.
Right.
You were right
Outside by your doorstep
In a worn out suit and tie
I'll wait,
For you to come down
Where you'll find me
Where we'll shine

Oh.

sylvia ji.

-3.

I miss you every time my eyes aren't upon you.

I'd like to think Im the mess you'd wear with pride.

You've go the eyes
Of a dreamer, baby.
You're head so
Full of love.
And sometimes I like
To pretend that
I'm the one you're
Dreaming of.
A tender kiss, a
Staggering embrace ends with a
Heartbreaking hug.
I like to pretend that I
Am the one you're
Dreaming of.
You eyes are stars,
Your lips,
The moon.
Your body
The Earth below the rug.
And every night I go to sleep
You're the one Im
Dreaming of.

yolandi.

Just a fraction of
A page.
Just a drip of
A wave.
Just a pebble in
A cave.
Look at the mess
We've made.

a fairy tale.

This is no lie. I saw my father fall down before my eyes and watched, as the ground swallowed his clickitey-clackitey loud feet. The ground swallowed him whole.

The girl knelt down at my feet, pressing her furry costume against my skin. "Please help me," she said, and kissed one foot. She kissed the other. And when I looked down I found both the leather-bottomed shoes gone and bare toes remaining. They froze in the mountain wind. At my feet a white wolf with childlike eyes stared up at me, grinned, and ran off with two shoes in her jaws.

But since I had been given my gift I did not fear what stood in front of me. As his body touched mine if fell to the floor covered in a carpet of needles.

As mother embraced me, she looked at my brothers with great disdain and hurt.

to be honest

I think you're made of gold.

Lets bring our
Hands together in this
Cold night.
And pray for the day
To never come.
We will lay
On soft beds of leaves
And wet soil,
Our hair dirty, our
Bodies damp.
Breathing in each others
Air and
Stealing each others
Warmth.
Yet never forgetting
How fleeting these
Moments always
Are.

taking up time.

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?
I laid in Amandas bed..
2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
Uhmm...Frans the other morning.
3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
Strongbow
4. Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
Im all about the eyes. But drawn in by lips too.
5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
Used to be fine arts, now I'm leaning towards medicine.
6. Best kind of pizza?
Cheese with mushrooms and green olives.
7. Is your bedroom window open?
No fucking way. Homeless people rummage in the garbage outside it.
8. What is in store for your future?
Near future? Finding happiness, a niche & myself.
9. Who was the last band you saw live?
tegan and sara with Amanda.
10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?
Yep! Tending to wounds and cleaning up puke are all on my Friend Resume.
11. What is your favorite soda?
Dr. Pepper!
12. How many songs are on your iTunes?
5608
13. When was the last time you purchased something over 0?
I gave Amanda $20 today.
14. Where is the last place you drove to?
I have no idea. I sold my car.
15. Are you experienced?
Not enough. I need more.
16. Any historical figures that you envy?
my mind fell off.
17. What brand of digital camera do you own?
Canon Elph
18. When was the last time you got a good workout?
I've never been to a gym ever.
19. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
Urban probably.
20. Where did your last kiss take place?
At a door, saying good-bye.
21. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?
That was like a half hour ago, same as Im doing now.
22. Are you a quitter?
Nope. I always try to get what I want.
23. Who was the last person you had in your house?
theres people here everyday.
24. Can you speak another language?
French, a little Polish.
25. How about you put your legs behind your head?
Excuse me.
26. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?
Thursday?
27. Nickname?
Nicshit, Walsh-Wicked.
28. Describe what you are wearing in detail?
Dark purple over size sweater, tights.
29. What do you think about people who party a lot?
Everyday is a party.
30. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
No, only if it was with my like gramma or some shit.
31. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister?
Nope. emo kid.
32. What was the last CD you purchased?
The Wooden Sky
33. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?
Explosions in the Sky & Johnny Flynn.
34. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
anger and jealousy...but I dont even think jealously is a sin, but fuck it.
35. Did you just have to google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?
No aha.
36. Where is your favorite place to get coffee?
Anywhere that sells it. Its the company you keep that matters.
37. Have you ever been offered a job?
Haha wtf yes.
38. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?
A tv once.
39. When was the last time you dyed your hair?
August?
40. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
uhh
41. Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?
Yep.
42. Miss someone?
So much.
43. How is your last ex doing?
Fine I suppose.
44. Is there someone you want to fight?
On the daily.

dearoldlove:

"I am truly sorry that only thing I could offer you was genuine unadulterated love."

dearoldlove:

You were a kid at heart; I was an old soul. Opposites attract, but only for 6 months.

Insomniac.

The night is only a sort of carbon paper,
Blueblack, with the much-poked periods of stars
Letting in the light, peephole after peephole ---
A bonewhite light, like death, behind all things.
Under the eyes of the stars and the moon's rictus
He suffers his desert pillow, sleeplessness
Stretching its fine, irritating sand in all directions.

Over and over the old, granular movie
Exposes embarrassments--the mizzling days
Of childhood and adolescence, sticky with dreams,
Parental faces on tall stalks, alternately stern and tearful,
A garden of buggy rose that made him cry.
His forehead is bumpy as a sack of rocks.
Memories jostle each other for face-room like obsolete film stars.

He is immune to pills: red, purple, blue ---
How they lit the tedium of the protracted evening!
Those sugary planets whose influence won for him
A life baptized in no-life for a while,
And the sweet, drugged waking of a forgetful baby.
Now the pills are worn-out and silly, like classical gods.
Their poppy-sleepy colors do him no good.

His head is a little interior of grey mirrors.
Each gesture flees immediately down an alley
Of diminishing perspectives, and its significance
Drains like water out the hole at the far end.
He lives without privacy in a lidless room,
The bald slots of his eyes stiffened wide-open
On the incessant heat-lightning flicker of situations.

Nightlong, in the granite yard, invisible cats
Have been howling like women, or damaged instruments.
Already he can feel daylight, his white disease,
Creeping up with her hatful of trivial repetitions.
The city is a map of cheerful twitters now,
And everywhere people, eyes mica-silver and blank,
Are riding to work in rows, as if recently brainwashed.

20.

Since when do the lines become blurred? When is it okay to only be sort of faithful, kind of in love? Why do we have significant others when we're lonely and sad, and become single when we go out? What has happened to old fashioned love and passion?
Where you live and breath one person, knowing that no matter what, nothing would even compare to them? I long for a simpler time. I long for a simple love.

I think I was born a few decades too late.

17.

Take me with you.
I want to be where you are.
I want to see what you see.
Feel what you feel.
But you've
Left me
Here.

material lust.

1997.

I want to sleep forever.

I'm good, I'm gone.

No one can accuse me of not trying my hardest.

Yesterday is today.

Stark white sheets
Mimic the color of
My body.
I have been here
For five hours.
Only thinking of
You.
My kidney
Is rotting and all
You can think to do
Is suck what
Was left of the life
Out of
Me & into
You.

I'll still be around.

It is getting colder & colder.

You are a beautiful flower.

You are a
Beautiful flower.
I was once told.
Fantastic and amazing,
As pure as gold.
But now the air around me
Has suddenly turned
Cold.
And all my petals have
Fallen off.
Dead and
Old.

nice date.

might switch to tumblr. I havent posted poetry in decades.

5:35pm on a Friday.

I couldn't ask for more perfection. Things are really looking up. Way up.

settling.

I'm alll moved in but I have no internet. I am currently at Starbucks on Queen. Ill probably come here everyday until I get internet. Come hang out with me this week after 5! This city is so uninspiring when it rains.

I dream in material objects.

Shorts.

Will I
Survive your
Death?
Uncertain.
How can this be
When I've known you
For only three minutes
Three days.
Three years.

seventeen hours

Everyone is switching to tumblr. I think I'll kick it old-school for the time being.
Got the house we wanted!! It was such a find I didnt even think it was real.
New beginnings.

spiraling down.

I know you were here.
Can I just leave now?
Its about that time.

yes.

shoe wish list.